Summer days

Summer days
I wish everyday was a beach walk.

Thursday, 11 April 2013


For anyone who had read my last post you know that at the beginning of this year I was , well ...ANGRY.  
And for the life of me I really believed I alone could change it. I really felt I choose it. In the beginning I did choose it. But over the last 10 months it slowly ate away at me. It ate away my compassion, empathy and in the end my ability to control anything else.

After much contemplation I realise my anger did not come over night, and in fact it had been building for the last 10 months... rewind 6 years, of stressful living. Not being able to recognise my own limits, taking on more than I can handle and just existing.  Not in every respect of my life, but if one area becomes toxic it all goes to hell in a hand basket when it takes over.

The stresses of daily life are normal. But how we choose to deal with them can play a major factor in how things turn out. I did not deal with my stress effectively and becoming angry was the first step in the wrong direction.  I played a victim to hand I dealt myself.  Which I think is the worst possible thing one can do to yourself. 

On February 12th, 2013, Bell's Let's Talk Day. I realised that something was really wrong. I was listening to stories about depression and although I thought I was absolutely fine, I recognized that I did in fact believe my life was hopeless and was stumbling through a dark tunnel of despair which I so confidently thought I was walking through.  I realised this when I watched the video "Talk to Me: the James Patrick Peek story".  I wasn't being honest  about my thoughts of suicide. I had no idea that I felt so dark that suicide was a reasonable goal of relief.  It shocked me and to be honest I spent one night with reeling thoughts and the next day I said them out loud to my husband and  immediately felt two things. That it was a selfish plan for me and my family and I needed help.

I went to the Doctor the next day and I can say I am a person who down plays a lot of things. So it was extremely difficult for me to go in and tell him that I needed medication for something that seemed intangible to me. There was nothing I could show him. No physical cuts, bruises, or a red throat.  However, it was indeed very real. I cried when I said it out loud because I think it is sometimes difficult to ask for help when your body and mind are suppose to be strong. I think the idea that medication made me weak, or that I couldn't be stronger was what stopped me from going in the first place.  The Dr was amazing, and told me that if the stresses of life where gone, then we would all be fine. However, this is an extremely fast paced life we are living and basically my serotonin level was low and I couldn't remake this on my own. When he told me biologically what was happening I felt much better and I realised that this was going to be OK and that finally for once in the last 6 years I felt in control of what was going on. 

I had an enormous amount of support, from people who I never knew had experienced the same type of things. When I started to open up, I realised that this was more common than I had thought.  My friends, family all were there to help me and for that I am forever grateful.  But I can't imagine doing it alone and feeling alone trying to push through this.

The last month and half have been up and down but I have felt a lot more level. My anger and feelings of being on high alert have subsided, leaving me feeling drained and like I am recharging. My friends stories who have been through this tell me that it gets so much better and that every day is one more day to feeling better.  All of this has helped. I feel like I am on a path to recovery and that feeling that I have chosen to not live like this any more is freeing.

For anyone who is reading this and may be feeling the same as I have. Please talk to someone, your head and mind is so powerful and saying these things out loud and having them acknowledged to someone else, although may seem like a small step, is in fact a wonderful one and is the first step to getting back your life.

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