Hope

Like the rest of you I am deeply saddened by yesterdays events in Boston. I often question a lot of things in the world when such senseless acts of violence take place. If there is a God, how could he allow this to happen? Why does such suffering have to occur? Why yet again are we watching on the news such chaos and horror ? Why does this continue?
There are two things that things ring true in my mind: One, that there in fact is true evil in this world. That runs through the veins of ppl for whatever reason. Sometimes they were victims of evil, sometimes there is no explanation as to why they've chosen this path. Two, that if there is indeed true evil, then there is indeed true good. A light so pure and peaceful and a hope so bright and good that we cannot let an a t of aggression and violence let us loose all faith in humanity.
The Boston Marathon is about pushing yourself, defying odds, overcoming obstacles and the sheer strength of the human spirit. I truly believe that as horrible it is that evil exists in this world, there is also the hope in it that good exists also. And it is far more powerful, all encompassing and beautiful.
In the face of such tragedy I ask of you this. . .
That We as a people will not feel despair caused by the horrendous violent acts of a few, but find comfort in the world full of people who gather around those affected by these events . We will embrace them physically and mentally. Through prayers, support and love we will get through yet another horrible event and move forward.
Like those runners, we will be stronger as a world pushing ourselves forward, with strength and determination to make this world a more peaceful place.
All my love Xoxo

Depression.

For anyone who had read my last post you know that at the beginning of this year I was , well ...ANGRY.  
And for the life of me I really believed I alone could change it. I really felt I choose it. In the beginning I did choose it. But over the last 10 months it slowly ate away at me. It ate away my compassion, empathy and in the end my ability to control anything else.

After much contemplation I realise my anger did not come over night, and in fact it had been building for the last 10 months... rewind 6 years, of stressful living. Not being able to recognise my own limits, taking on more than I can handle and just existing.  Not in every respect of my life, but if one area becomes toxic it all goes to hell in a hand basket when it takes over.

The stresses of daily life are normal. But how we choose to deal with them can play a major factor in how things turn out. I did not deal with my stress effectively and becoming angry was the first step in the wrong direction.  I played a victim to hand I dealt myself.  Which I think is the worst possible thing one can do to yourself. 

On February 12th, 2013, Bell's Let's Talk Day. I realised that something was really wrong. I was listening to stories about depression and although I thought I was absolutely fine, I recognized that I did in fact believe my life was hopeless and was stumbling through a dark tunnel of despair which I so confidently thought I was walking through.  I realised this when I watched the video "Talk to Me: the James Patrick Peek story".  I wasn't being honest  about my thoughts of suicide. I had no idea that I felt so dark that suicide was a reasonable goal of relief.  It shocked me and to be honest I spent one night with reeling thoughts and the next day I said them out loud to my husband and  immediately felt two things. That it was a selfish plan for me and my family and I needed help.

I went to the Doctor the next day and I can say I am a person who down plays a lot of things. So it was extremely difficult for me to go in and tell him that I needed medication for something that seemed intangible to me. There was nothing I could show him. No physical cuts, bruises, or a red throat.  However, it was indeed very real. I cried when I said it out loud because I think it is sometimes difficult to ask for help when your body and mind are suppose to be strong. I think the idea that medication made me weak, or that I couldn't be stronger was what stopped me from going in the first place.  The Dr was amazing, and told me that if the stresses of life where gone, then we would all be fine. However, this is an extremely fast paced life we are living and basically my serotonin level was low and I couldn't remake this on my own. When he told me biologically what was happening I felt much better and I realised that this was going to be OK and that finally for once in the last 6 years I felt in control of what was going on. 

I had an enormous amount of support, from people who I never knew had experienced the same type of things. When I started to open up, I realised that this was more common than I had thought.  My friends, family all were there to help me and for that I am forever grateful.  But I can't imagine doing it alone and feeling alone trying to push through this.

The last month and half have been up and down but I have felt a lot more level. My anger and feelings of being on high alert have subsided, leaving me feeling drained and like I am recharging. My friends stories who have been through this tell me that it gets so much better and that every day is one more day to feeling better.  All of this has helped. I feel like I am on a path to recovery and that feeling that I have chosen to not live like this any more is freeing.

For anyone who is reading this and may be feeling the same as I have. Please talk to someone, your head and mind is so powerful and saying these things out loud and having them acknowledged to someone else, although may seem like a small step, is in fact a wonderful one and is the first step to getting back your life.

Angry!!

I am so ANGRY!
I have never felt this type of anger before in my life. The kind that radiates through your pores and makes your entire body hum. The kind that drives demons away because that look of hatred in your eyes could make anyone flee.

Why ? you ask. Well there are countless reasons why. On the bottom of the pile are thousands of little things teetering and festering one on top of the other and most recently two very big and heavy maggots have arrived to get the entire stinking, rotting mess composting.

Wait.. Compost is a good thing? Bad analogy? No, I think it is about right. The anger itself is something I choose to feel.  Choose?  Yup I know it does not feel that way, the way it bubbles up and rises, the way it makes my eyes narrow and fists clench.  I want to take every dish I own and smash them in my garage. Just to hear the porcelain clatter on the cement. That is how angry I am.

So back to this choice.  I can choose to feel angry and wallow in that pile of filthy little things with the maggots, squirming and making myself cozy.  I could choose to pick each small little thing up and examine and reexamine continually.  You know who that helps? NO BODY.

It sucks. It damn well sucks that life is NOT fair and things do NOT go the way you planned.  But continually wallowing in it will only make me more angry, and more toxic. 


You know what happens when your angry? You start to feel like a victim, you begin to feel like the world is out to get you and so you want to get out of the way, or get what you need before they take it from you.
You stop opening doors for people, you start to curse under your breath (not so quietly) and you begin to feel like life is one big mess.  And guess what? It becomes that because YOU are creating it. You feel like a victim,  you act like a victim, you must be a victim.


So NOW WHAT?

Now I try to move on. I try to pick up the pieces that I've so thoroughly wrecked with my anger. Because you know what else sucks. Along with the unfair things that happen to you, your natural reaction to anger can cause even MORE unpleasantness. I have found myself in a shit load of unpleasantness these days.  The good news is that this roller coaster ride of crazy is something I can choose to get off.

Today I am getting off.

How the hell do you do that? Well doing things that are shown in this video makes me happy. And if I only start with small little steps, I am hoping I can get myself back on track. check out this link
THE KINDNESS BOOMERANG
below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tHWc5WlDGg

taken from www.thefabweb.com

Vitamin D!!

I have been dreaming of vacation.
The sun,sand, beach .... peace and quiet.  There is a beach that is just so beautiful back in P.E.I where I am from. I like to think of it as "my" beach.  My best friend and I would walk for hours and contemplate life, love and our futures.  Those were the days when we thought we had it figured all out and optimism was not hard to come by.

Even when my life seems to be in shambles or just everyday stresses of work and family life seem to weigh a little heavy.  All I need is to walk on the beach, barefoot and happy.  The smell of salt air and sound of seagulls in the distance, cleanse the soul and the mind.   Food tastes better, skin feels softer, and life a little lighter.

I often day dream of moving back to the P.E.I. but in my daydreams it is an eternal P.E.I. summer. Up with the sunset in a rustic cottage on the beach.  Coffee on the porch while the tide goes out.  Weeding your vegetable garden and puttering around your place.  Calling on old friends who have nothing more to do than talk to you. Reading a book in the sun on the beach. Stretching out and having a nap in a hammock between two of the oldest trees on your property.  This is the stuff that I dream about. Hopefully one day will be my future.

What I have learned about the M word.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 13. We were only 19 and 20 when we first started dating and you can bet that we are now completely different people.

The core person is still there and certain attribute ( however much we wish to change in the other) will always be there. But who we are now compared to who we were 13 years ago definitely has changed. You could say life has made us jaded, experienced, stronger or you could also say we still have the same insecurities and brokenness we carry from our childhood.

So how do we stay with the SAME person for an eternity. It all seemed so romantic 13 years ago, but the cold, hard truth is it is HARD WORK!  You can really love and hate the same person at the exactly same time.  It sucks, but it is also wonderful.
It is wonderful to know someone knows your inner most dreams, knows what you are capable of, has revelled in the secret life of your passions. That deep down, no matter what you will always catch each other when you fall.

You will make mistakes. You will make many, many mistakes. Mistakes in communication, finances, life goals. But how you handle these mistakes will show your true resolve, it is when we weather the rockiest of storms we come out stronger, true captains.

Life is a very short gift. I know many who have wasted it on foolish things, and i, myself have wasted too much time dwelling on foolish thing. This 2013 let it be a year of goals attained, hurdles jumped, and happiness for my family and yours.

Happy New Year.

Change

 
Something is about to change.
 I am not sure how, but for the past 7 years I have been doing the same things career wise and it has served us well. But I now feel a change coming because all of a sudden it doesn't work. 

My job used to allow for time with my children, and time with my husband, but now it seems my wheels are spinning and for no reason what so ever. I am a firm believer that there is a reason for everything and that if we are prepared, a new opportunity will arise. I feel very blessed to have had the option to do what I have been doing for this long. However, there is a time for everything and now it is time to move on.

I am frightened and nervous but also excited at the idea of change. I think as we grow and branch out in life, we become prepared for greater accomplishments and as many of you know I have spent a lot of my time raising our children.  But their needs are changing too. What once was needed from me was cuddles and craft time; and now it's chauffeurs and cheerleaders.  I am happy to do it all.

Life is too short to sit unhappily for too long.

Writing again!

I started writing again in the New Year. Actually a day before the New Year started I had an old idea resurface. The idea was one from 10 years ago. But it had been reworked and matured in that time.  I am pumped. I know that it's good, because well I can't stop thinking about it, writing about and I am filling up pages that I can chip away at later.  I know that the rough draft is just that, and out of the hundreds of pages I will write I will have to whittle it down searching for the gem beneath.


But how do you contain a thought while kids are running around, swearing they are hungry again. You see where I live Christmas Vacation is taking forever. It has dragged on for 2 looong weeks!! Actually they don't return to school until next Wednesday?!! I may loose my freaking mind.  They are sleeping in a little too long and they are staying up a little later each night. Just enough that you don't notice at first, until your ten year old saunters out of her room at 11pm claiming she just finished the first Harry Potter Book and wants to discuss it. (At first I was excited!! Anything to get away from Edward Cullen ) But then I looked at the time, and sighed. Because that's all I could do. I let that happen.  

So then I am up til 1 am writing in (finally) peace and quiet of the house. Writing and eating left over candies, makes for a very cranky mother in the morning.  
But I'm writing again!!!