Angry!!

I am so ANGRY!
I have never felt this type of anger before in my life. The kind that radiates through your pores and makes your entire body hum. The kind that drives demons away because that look of hatred in your eyes could make anyone flee.

Why ? you ask. Well there are countless reasons why. On the bottom of the pile are thousands of little things teetering and festering one on top of the other and most recently two very big and heavy maggots have arrived to get the entire stinking, rotting mess composting.

Wait.. Compost is a good thing? Bad analogy? No, I think it is about right. The anger itself is something I choose to feel.  Choose?  Yup I know it does not feel that way, the way it bubbles up and rises, the way it makes my eyes narrow and fists clench.  I want to take every dish I own and smash them in my garage. Just to hear the porcelain clatter on the cement. That is how angry I am.

So back to this choice.  I can choose to feel angry and wallow in that pile of filthy little things with the maggots, squirming and making myself cozy.  I could choose to pick each small little thing up and examine and reexamine continually.  You know who that helps? NO BODY.

It sucks. It damn well sucks that life is NOT fair and things do NOT go the way you planned.  But continually wallowing in it will only make me more angry, and more toxic. 


You know what happens when your angry? You start to feel like a victim, you begin to feel like the world is out to get you and so you want to get out of the way, or get what you need before they take it from you.
You stop opening doors for people, you start to curse under your breath (not so quietly) and you begin to feel like life is one big mess.  And guess what? It becomes that because YOU are creating it. You feel like a victim,  you act like a victim, you must be a victim.


So NOW WHAT?

Now I try to move on. I try to pick up the pieces that I've so thoroughly wrecked with my anger. Because you know what else sucks. Along with the unfair things that happen to you, your natural reaction to anger can cause even MORE unpleasantness. I have found myself in a shit load of unpleasantness these days.  The good news is that this roller coaster ride of crazy is something I can choose to get off.

Today I am getting off.

How the hell do you do that? Well doing things that are shown in this video makes me happy. And if I only start with small little steps, I am hoping I can get myself back on track. check out this link
THE KINDNESS BOOMERANG
below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tHWc5WlDGg

taken from www.thefabweb.com

Vitamin D!!

I have been dreaming of vacation.
The sun,sand, beach .... peace and quiet.  There is a beach that is just so beautiful back in P.E.I where I am from. I like to think of it as "my" beach.  My best friend and I would walk for hours and contemplate life, love and our futures.  Those were the days when we thought we had it figured all out and optimism was not hard to come by.

Even when my life seems to be in shambles or just everyday stresses of work and family life seem to weigh a little heavy.  All I need is to walk on the beach, barefoot and happy.  The smell of salt air and sound of seagulls in the distance, cleanse the soul and the mind.   Food tastes better, skin feels softer, and life a little lighter.

I often day dream of moving back to the P.E.I. but in my daydreams it is an eternal P.E.I. summer. Up with the sunset in a rustic cottage on the beach.  Coffee on the porch while the tide goes out.  Weeding your vegetable garden and puttering around your place.  Calling on old friends who have nothing more to do than talk to you. Reading a book in the sun on the beach. Stretching out and having a nap in a hammock between two of the oldest trees on your property.  This is the stuff that I dream about. Hopefully one day will be my future.

What I have learned about the M word.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 13. We were only 19 and 20 when we first started dating and you can bet that we are now completely different people.

The core person is still there and certain attribute ( however much we wish to change in the other) will always be there. But who we are now compared to who we were 13 years ago definitely has changed. You could say life has made us jaded, experienced, stronger or you could also say we still have the same insecurities and brokenness we carry from our childhood.

So how do we stay with the SAME person for an eternity. It all seemed so romantic 13 years ago, but the cold, hard truth is it is HARD WORK!  You can really love and hate the same person at the exactly same time.  It sucks, but it is also wonderful.
It is wonderful to know someone knows your inner most dreams, knows what you are capable of, has revelled in the secret life of your passions. That deep down, no matter what you will always catch each other when you fall.

You will make mistakes. You will make many, many mistakes. Mistakes in communication, finances, life goals. But how you handle these mistakes will show your true resolve, it is when we weather the rockiest of storms we come out stronger, true captains.

Life is a very short gift. I know many who have wasted it on foolish things, and i, myself have wasted too much time dwelling on foolish thing. This 2013 let it be a year of goals attained, hurdles jumped, and happiness for my family and yours.

Happy New Year.

Change

 
Something is about to change.
 I am not sure how, but for the past 7 years I have been doing the same things career wise and it has served us well. But I now feel a change coming because all of a sudden it doesn't work. 

My job used to allow for time with my children, and time with my husband, but now it seems my wheels are spinning and for no reason what so ever. I am a firm believer that there is a reason for everything and that if we are prepared, a new opportunity will arise. I feel very blessed to have had the option to do what I have been doing for this long. However, there is a time for everything and now it is time to move on.

I am frightened and nervous but also excited at the idea of change. I think as we grow and branch out in life, we become prepared for greater accomplishments and as many of you know I have spent a lot of my time raising our children.  But their needs are changing too. What once was needed from me was cuddles and craft time; and now it's chauffeurs and cheerleaders.  I am happy to do it all.

Life is too short to sit unhappily for too long.

Writing again!

I started writing again in the New Year. Actually a day before the New Year started I had an old idea resurface. The idea was one from 10 years ago. But it had been reworked and matured in that time.  I am pumped. I know that it's good, because well I can't stop thinking about it, writing about and I am filling up pages that I can chip away at later.  I know that the rough draft is just that, and out of the hundreds of pages I will write I will have to whittle it down searching for the gem beneath.


But how do you contain a thought while kids are running around, swearing they are hungry again. You see where I live Christmas Vacation is taking forever. It has dragged on for 2 looong weeks!! Actually they don't return to school until next Wednesday?!! I may loose my freaking mind.  They are sleeping in a little too long and they are staying up a little later each night. Just enough that you don't notice at first, until your ten year old saunters out of her room at 11pm claiming she just finished the first Harry Potter Book and wants to discuss it. (At first I was excited!! Anything to get away from Edward Cullen ) But then I looked at the time, and sighed. Because that's all I could do. I let that happen.  

So then I am up til 1 am writing in (finally) peace and quiet of the house. Writing and eating left over candies, makes for a very cranky mother in the morning.  
But I'm writing again!!!

Happy New Year! & Optimism did you stay in 2011?

I may explode!! The entire Christmas season this year has not been kind to me. The end of 2011 was probably one of the worst health wise in this family. But it could always be worse. Right?


I started this entry tonight as a way to let off some steam. Steam at the mounting bills, the mounds of laundry and the lack of help. But I quickly realize how lucky I am. 

Things could always be worse.



It seems like there was one health crisis after another in this house and then ended with my father in the hospital New Year's Eve. He had suffered a blood clot in his lung. But lives to tell the tale. Thank Goodness.

But he reminded me tonight that there were a lot of people suffering far worse than him in that hospital, that life is short, precious and fragile and we need to hold tight to what we love.
While I thought I wanted to rant about how awful things have been, I really want to say ..............

Happy New Year!!  Do something this year that you've always wanted to do, hold on to your loved ones and make time for friends and family. 
Bonne année et bonne santé !

Cheers !

Bronchitis and Ba humbug!!

On Remembrance Day here in Canada, I set off with three girlfriends and headed to Bangor, Maine. Shopping list, coupons, and optimism in hand I set out ready to prevail over the last minute Christmas rush. 

Enter cold and flu: On the car ride to Bangor, my throat was sore and a cough plagued my speech. I sat quietly eating a bagful of Halls. And I can only say that sitting for a 3 hour car ride eating nothing but Halls causes some horrible stomach pains. It began raining and when we started out at our first stop, my feet were wet, I was hacking and I wanted to sleep.

I don't remember much of the trip, except trying not to bawl while standing in a  45 minute line up at The Christmas Tree Store and not knowing exactly what I bought. I came home with bags, and threw them in the downstairs office, locked it up, climbed into bed and stayed that way for 2 weeks.

It is not an exaggeration to say that 4 weeks later I am finally feeling closer to normal. I have just recently continued my Christmas shopping and any mother knows that I am already behind. This week we have 4 fundraisers at school, a sock hop, dress rehearsals for Christmas plays (ie, the costume for your child had better be made, or bought by now!!) and a ballet recital.

The 44 Christmas cards I usually send out, are not yet written and I barely put up my Christmas tree.
Every year I am filled with joy at the Holiday season, baking, wrapping, decorating, Christmas carols. I am excited and happy. However, this year I feel panic stricken, sick to my stomach and exhausted.

To top it all off I am pretty sure that my ten year old peeked at her presents! and we all know what that means!! 
I just need to take a deep breath and try to enjoy because at this rate, people are getting presents stuffed in garbage bags and I will  be listening to SlipKnot instead of Bing Crosby.

and as I sign off, another set of lights on my Christmas tree has gone out...
Mistletoe Fruitcake..